I usually have very random dreams, and have never once written about any of them. This one, however, was worth me blogging about...
The hardest death I have ever had to deal with was my grandma's. She died when I was 15, and I had always been very very close to her. I was her favorite (or atleast that's what she made me feel), she'd call me her "pecosita" and every Tuesday we'd go to TJ to go visit her. On those Tuesday mornings there was a "mercado sobre ruedas" (fleamarket) in her neighborhood and she would go every week. When we got to her house...she'd nod and whisper for me to go into her room, open her top drawer and see what she had for me...every Tuesday...a mango. There was only one...just for me. At that time I always looked forward to eating that mango, so yummy, but now, I think what I was really looking forward to, was spending those 10 mins alone with her, in her room, with the door closed (so her other grandchildren wouldn't get jealous) and she would sit there and watch me enjoy her little gift to me.
Every now and then I wonder, now that i'm a lesbian, and my hair's short, and I dress like a boy, and I have piercings and tattoos...would I still be her favorite? Would she still call me her Pecosita? Would she still have a mango for me when I'd go visit her? Or would she disapprove of my style...of my choices...of my sexual preference?
When she died I was devasted...I still miss her, I still cry...I still can't think about her without getting sad...and I still dream her. I dream her a lot, but lately my dreams were sad. I would dream that she would come back, but in my dream I knew she would leave me again. I wake up crying every time...
Two nights ago though, my dream was different. I didn't wake up crying. I woke up feeling so peaceful and happy. I don't remember the dream word for word. But I remember asking her if she still loved me and if she was ok with me being a lesbian. She told me when she was young, she loved girls. That she had asked her friend (that she actually hung out with a lot) to marry her. But since they lived in Mexico they were afraid. They were afraid to continue with their romance and that's when she met my grandfather and decided to have a family. She didn't exactly tell me she approved, not in those words,but she hugged me and she gave me that smile she would give me every Tuesday.
She approves. She loves me. I'm still her favorite. And..i'm still her Pecosita.